How to show up
for someone sitting shiva
Visiting mourners during the week of shiva is an expression of care and support. Here’s a guide to showing up for someone sitting shiva.
In Jewish tradition, visiting or caring for mourners during the week of shiva is considered a sacred responsibility.
Shiva Circle, a project of Shomer Collective, has curated this resource for people who want to better understand how to support someone sitting shiva.
What to say at shiva
It is customary to wait for the mourner to speak first. It can be difficult to know the right thing to say or how the mourner is feeling when you visit during shiva; allow the mourner to start the conversation.
If you don’t know what to say, silence can still be soothing. You can communicate your concern simply by being present, sharing a smile if that feels appropriate. Ask mourners before offering a hug or a holding of hands.
During your visit, you can share memories of the deceased or ask the mourners to share their favorite stories.
Some people will put out photos of the person who died which also gives visitors a way of prompting mourners to share stories.
Avoid platitudes about death and asking the mourner broad questions. Instead, try compassionate statements, such as, “This must be difficult.” or “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care about you.” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Let the mourners do the talking.
As you leave shiva, there are traditional wishes to share with the mourners (here in English):
“May you find comfort in these difficult times.”
“May God comfort you together with the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
"May you be comforted from Heaven.”
“We are with you in your sorrow.”
If this is your first time visiting someone sitting shiva, you may want to watch a video about what to expect and how to show your support. Watch the Jewish Guide to Helping Your Friend in Mourning Video.
What to do at shiva
Do not ring the doorbell or expect to be greeted. In some homes, the door will be unlocked and in others, someone will be stationed by the door to let people in.
Shiva upends our social norms, which means you’re not acting as a guest who’s welcomed into the space and offered food and drink. Instead, it’s a unique time to express care for the mourner by attending to their needs, such as offering to get them food or drink in their own home.
More than anything, making a shiva call is about presence and listening. You may ask questions or look at photos of the person who died that invite the mourners to talk about their feelings of loss, to reflect on the person who had died, or that invite them to share stories. All feelings are welcome - even laughter.
During shiva, offer specific types of help without being asked. You can bring food (be sure to check in on dietary restrictions and allergies first). Run errands. Walk the dog or check on other pets. Give a ride to someone unable to drive to shiva or drive visitors to/from the airport. Offer to do the laundry or take out the trash.
Know that it’s OK to bring children to shiva, especially if their friend is a mourner, such as the grandchild, child, or sibling of the person who has died.
If you were present at the burial, it is traditional to wash your hands before you enter the home for the first day of shiva. Cemeteries are traditionally considered a place of spiritual impurity, so some people will wash their hands first.
Common questions about shiva
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Thirty minutes to an hour is respectful. If hours are specified, be sure to only visit during those hours.
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Yes, taking care of mourners is one of the best ways we can show up for people. Mourners should not feel obligated to unwrap or prepare food— that’s what their circle of care is there to do.
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Yes, but if you’re calling or texting someone who’s mourning, remember that they might not answer or call back right away. Your patience and understanding will go a long way toward providing comfort.
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In many Jewish communities, flowers are not brought to a shiva home because they are typically associated with celebrations and life. Food, a book about grief or mourning, or a donation to a cause dear to the family are appropriate.
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There is no standard of dressing in black for a shiva. A good rule of thumb is to dress as if you’re meeting a rabbi or spiritual leader; conservatively and comfortably.
If you can’t be present at shiva
For many reasons, it can be difficult to be physically present during the days of shiva. However, you can still show support and care for the mourners by sending them a card or note. Some people may welcome a phone call, while others may not respond to calls or texts during shiva. Since mourners are exempt from social obligations during shiva, the important thing is to let mourners know you are thinking of them.
If there was a charity that was meaningful to the person who died or their family, Jewish tradition encourages making a donation in their memory.
Supporting grieving children
Shomer Collective has curated resources for children who are grieving and talking to children about death, including a set of visual Shiva cards. It is important to speak openly and honestly, in an age-appropriate way. Listen without judging or interpretation, and recognize that grief can take many forms. During shiva, children may need outlets for self-expression and space to talk about the person who has died or to take a break from sitting shiva.
Caring for mourners after shiva
Jewish tradition recognizes that grief takes time. In the days and months after a death, mourners are guided by a timeline of different rituals that closely mirror a psychological understanding of grief. Those early days and weeks returning to everyday life can be incredibly difficult.
With this in mind, let the mourners know you’re able to support them after shiva ends.
Here are some ways to provide ongoing care.
Offer to come by and visit for a little while. This is especially kind for people who may be living alone for the first time after the death of a loved one.
Ask if they would like to meet for a coffee or a walk in the next week.
Offer to join them at synagogue if they are continuing to say kaddish after shiva ends. Traditionally, people say kaddish for 30 days after the death of a spouse, sibling or child; and for 11 months after the death of a parent. We have a list of daily and weekly opportunities to say kaddish online on the Shiva Circle resource page.
Invite their kids or pets to a playdate, and be gracious with changes in schedules as the family adjusts to a new normal.
Stay in touch, even weeks and months after the death. Call or stop by. Invite them to coffee or dinner. Be respectful if they say no, and ask again at a later date.
Remember that everyone grieves differently and will be ready for social interaction at different times.
Make plans for the holidays, on birthdays, or special anniversaries, including the yahrzeit (death anniversary).
Even a simple text to let them know you’re thinking of them can go a long way to showing you care.