Shiva Traditions
Learn about the meaning of sitting shiva and the traditions for Jewish mourning rituals.
Shiva is an ancient Jewish ritual of sitting at home after the death of a loved one. Shiva means seven in Hebrew, and it is traditionally observed for seven days following a burial. During this time, mourners stay at home while family and friends provide support—bringing food, visiting, and offering comfort.
Shiva Circle, a project of Shomer Collective, invites you to explore how this deeply beneficial practice enables mourners to sit with their grief, be cared for by a circle of comfort, and retreat from the responsibilities of daily life during the most heightened period of mourning.
When properly executed in the Jewish tradition, shiva is not something mourners host or plan. Instead, it is a gift of care facilitated by their extended family, friends, and community. For millennia, this was standard practice in tight-knit Jewish communities, and people passed the knowledge and know-how they needed to enact it from generation to generation.
While shiva is traditionally observed after the death of parents, siblings, children, and spouses, it can also be meaningful for mourners to sit shiva for grandparents, aunts, uncles, in-laws, or close friends.
Here are some common Jewish customs for observing shiva:
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During shiva, the family stays home and avoids working, school, entertainment and other distractions. It is customary to sit shiva in the home of the person who died. When that isn’t possible, people may sit shiva in the home of another relative, a close friend, or even a community space. Most importantly, people should be together with loved ones.
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The front door is traditionally left unlocked so visitors may enter without knocking or ringing the doorbell.
Someone can remain by the door to let people in if preferred. Either way, this custom reminds the mourner they do not have to feel obligated to greet visitors as a host would.
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People either bring or provide food for mourners. Eggs, a symbol of life, and other round foods like lentils or bagels, are often eaten at the first meal following burial.
Mourners should eat first. Some visitors have a custom of not eating the food at a shiva home, while in other communities, guests are expected to eat.
Bringing food is a wonderful way to show support for mourners. Be sure to follow any preferences or dietary restrictions before deciding to cook or order food.
Some people have a custom to not remove anything from the house during the week of shiva, including food, so ask before sending leftovers home with visitors or donating food.
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Since mourners are unconcerned about vanity during shiva, the mirrors are covered with a sheet or towel. Similarly, many people abstain from shaving, cutting their hair, bathing for pleasure, or wearing makeup during shiva.
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During shiva, people may gather in the home to pray once, twice or three times each day to enable the mourner/s to be able to recite kaddish. Written in Aramaic, the kaddish prayer never mentions death. It praises God and asks for peace. It is traditionally said in the presence of a minyan, or quorum of 10 Jewish adults (over the age of 13.)
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At the funeral, it is custom for mourners to tear the garment worn over their heart, or to tear a black ribbon pinned to their shirt to symbolize their grief. Some people continue to wear this torn garment or ribbon throughout shiva. In the shiva home, mourners may choose not to wear shoes, or may wear slippers or shoes made of canvas or cloth, refraining from the “luxury” of leather shoes during shiva. Both these customs can help visitors to know who in the home is a mourner.
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Mourners may sit on low stools or cushions on the floor to symbolize their low spirits or discomfort with their grief. The funeral home may supply low chairs or boxes for this purpose.
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Upon returning from the funeral, people wash their hands before entering the home to symbolize the separation from the dead. Water may be left outside the door and people are invited to wash their hands before entering the home on the day of the funeral.
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After the funeral, some people light a special seven-day candle that burns throughout the week of shiva. The flame represents the soul of the loved one.
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Making a shiva call (visiting a shiva home) is a powerful way to provide comfort for the mourners, and is considered an important mitzvah in Jewish tradition. This extends to children visiting a shiva home, especially when their friend is a mourner, such as the grandchild, child, or sibling of the person who has died. People of other faiths, including friends and neighbors, are welcome to visit during shiva to offer condolences and show their support for the mourners.
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During Shabbat, some shiva rules are paused so that mourners may attend synagogue and sit in a regular chair. When certain holidays begin – including Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover or Shavuot – shiva ends, no matter how many days have passed since the funeral. Shiva does not end early for other Jewish holidays.
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After shiva ends, it is customary to take a walk around the block to signify reentry into the world before returning to work and other tasks paused during shiva. In many Sephardi and Ladino communities (Jewish communities from Western Europe and North Africa), people gather in the home to study Jewish texts, say prayers, and eat a meal as a way of ending shiva.
